The Akatsuki Stories II: Akatsuki Reborn
by SecondAsian
Summary: In THIS one, you will find happiness, joy, and tacos! In THIS one, you will find Akatsuki! In THIS one, though, you will find.................................................................................................................................
1. Current Events

**The Akatsuki Stories II :**

_**Akatsuki Reborn!**_

Disclaimer: WHOOOO!! AKATSUKI'S BACK!

**Chapter I**

**Current Events**

_Two and a half years ago, there was a group named Akatsuki, the most powerful crime gang in the world. The winners of the Organization Idol showdown and the criminals of the Target incidents, this group is deadly. Disbanding after one of the members blew up the lair, the 10 scattered, only one left. And that person is..._

" OROCHIMARU! QUIT TALKING TO YOURSELF!" screamed Sasuke from the kitchen, " AND WHAT KIND OF BREAKFAST IS THIS?"

" You COULD be more appreciative!" yelled Orochi, who had just finished the bacon, " Kabuto works hard to make a satisfying meal."

" YEAH!" yelled Kabuto, " I got those eggs you're eating from Lord Orochimaru!"

Sasuke then spit out his eggs all over Orochimaru's newspaper.

" EW!" yelled Sasuke, running into the bathroom and drinking mouthwash.

" Hey, Kabuto!" said Orochi, " Look here!"

" 10 off black socks!" cried out Kabuto in glee.

" NO!" yelled Orochi, smacking the back of Kabuto's head, " The one that says, ' 9th semi-annual anniversary for disbandation of Akatsuki' !"

" Oh!" said Kabuto, " Aren't you going to join the celebrations?"

" No, it's near an elementary school, and I'm not allowed within 500 feet of them."

" That's cause you're the Micheal Jackson of all animes." said Sasuke, still brushing his teeth.

" He has a point, Orochi." said Kabuto, " Have some bacon."

" But I've always wanted to rejoin Akatsuki." said Orochimaru, " But I can't rejoin if there is no Akatsuki. I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO!"

" Rob a bank?" asked Sasuke, pouring a glass of orange juice."

" Yes, " said Orochi, " AND GET AKATSUKI BACK TOGETHER!"

" YAY! FIELD TRIP!" cried Kabuto, getting bacon all over the table.

" Now, TO THE OROCHIMOBILE!" cried Orochi, running into the garage.

The OrochiMobile turned out to be a black Honda sedan with white snakes painted on them.

" I'LL DRIVE!" yelled Kabuto, getting behind the wheel.

" NO WAY!" yelled Sasuke, pushing Kabuto into the back, " I just got my driver's license, and I'm going to test it out!"

He floored it and soon, they were all outside the gates of Konoha.

" Okay, we know what to do, right?" asked Orochi, dressed in his old Akatsuki outfit.

" We rob the bank?" asked Sasuke in his own Akatsuki outfit.

" NO!" said Orochi, " You, me, and Kabuto are going to rescue the last members of Akatsuki and bring them back!"

" RIGHT!" agreed Kabuto.

They then slipped into the sewers to retrieve the first member...

**THE**

**END**


	2. Retrieval Part 1: Kisame

**The Akatsuki Stories II:**

_**Akatsuki Reborn!**_

Disclaimer: Mr. Rogers was not killed in the making of this film.

**Chapter II**

**Retrieval**

**Part I: Kisame**

" Ew, it's dark down here!" whined Kabuto, putting on his doctor gloves before moving down.

" Orochi, why are we climbing into the sewers?" asked Sasuke, about to lower himself into the hole.

" This is where we'll find Kisame!" cried Orochi, so eager he JUMPED into the murky water.

" Orochimaru!" yelled Kabuto, " I'LL SAVE YOU!"

He jumped in and WHIP!

A giant tentacle smacked off his glasses!

" Well, looks like I'll have to save the day." sighed Sasuke, drawing his sword.

" HELP!" cried Orochi, " IT'S CRUSHING MY NOSE!"

" BUT YOU DON'T HAVE A NOSE!" corrected Kabuto, hanging upside down from a tentacle.

" CHIDORI!" Sasuke sliced the monster's tentacles off and rescued the two.

" wha waz at?" asked Kabuto.

" WE WERE ALOMOST KILLED!" yelled out Orochimaru.

" Then let's get moving." said Sasuke, " I'm missing Dukes of Hazzard Part III."

Orochi and Kabuto sweatdropped as Sasuke continued further.

After about half an hour of walking, they saw a green building coverred with mold and fish blood.

" Wow." said Orochi, " This place has changed!"

" Then let's go in."

Sasuke knocked on the door and a giant crab came out.

" What do YOU want, human?" asked the crab rudely.

" Have you seen a blue guy with gills and a black cloak?" asked Sasuke.

" What makes ou think I should tell?"

Sasuke unsheathed his sword just a tiny bit, but it was effective.

" POPS! SOME KID IS HERE FOR YOU!" the crab yelled to his father.

Then, a blue man with gills, sharp teeth, and shiny black eyes came out, dressed in a white robe.

" What do YOU want, Itachi's little brother?" asked the blue man, " You interuppted mass!"

" KISAME!" cried Orochimaru, hugging the fish man.

" Orochi?" asked Kisame, pushing off the snake, " What are you doing in the sewers?"

" I was wondering if you would restart Akatsuki!" yelled Orochimaru.

Kisame stared at him blankly. Then he closed the door and locked it.

" NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" screamed Orochi, " NOW I'LL NEVER REJOIN AKATSUKI!!!!"

Sasuke sighed. " If you want to watch Dukes of Hazzard, don't come with the snake man." Sasuke slice the door open and saw... THE KILLER SQUID, THE CRAB, KISAME, AND A BUNCH OF FISH EGGS?

" How many tines do I have to tell you, I WON'T REJOIN!" yelled Kisame, drawing Sharkskin.

" Honey, why do you draw a weapon?" asked the squid, " We can solve this with peace and- GAH!!!!

Sasuke had sliced the squid in half, blood splattering everywhere.

" YOU KILLED MY WIFE YOU-------!!!" screamed Kisame, waving Sharkskin in Sasuke's face.

" But I can bring her back!" said Orochi, " IF you rejoin..." He got out a contract.

Kisame muttered for a few seconds and finally said, " Fine."

He got the pen and was about to sign when suddenly- BAM!

" What's wrong!?" asked Kabuto, the whole place shaking.

" It's bathroom break at " The People with OverActive Bladders" center!" yelled Kisame, " And when I say overactive, I MEAN OVERACTIVE!"

" HELP!" screamed Kabuto, jumping in sasuke's arms.

" Get off me, or I'll set your house on fire, slice your legs off, and watch as you drag you bloody stumps out of the burning building." said Sasuke, dropping Kabuto.

" I'LL SAVE US!" yelled Orochi, grabbing the bag of fish eggs inside.

" MY BABIES!" yelled Kisame, chasing after Orochimaru.

Then, the snake man threw the eggs into the pipe of pee and feces. Then, the water stopped.

" HOORAY!" yelled Kabuto, grabbing orochi's leg.

" YOU ( beep) !" yelled Kisame, " YOU THREW MY CHILDREN UP THE PIPE! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?"

" Rejoin?"

" Sure." said Kisame, " Do ya got an extra uniform?"

AT THE SURFACE

Orochi, Sasuke, Kabuto, and Kisame got out of the manhole, seeing that the festival already began.

" Now what do we do?" asked kisame in his new Akatsuki outfit.

" We go to Suna." said Orochi, going the other way.

" Why?" asked Sasuke.

" I heard ITACHI'S going to be there." said Orochi.

Hearing the name of his brother, Sasuke sped towards Suna, the others close behind him.

" AKATSUKI!!!" yelled Kabuto, being dragged on the ground by Kisame after Sasuke chopped off his legs.

**To Be Continued...**


	3. Retrieval Part II: Itachi

**The Akatsuki Stories II:**

_**Akatsuki Reborn!**_

Disclaimer: No characters in this story are real.

**Chapter III**

**Retrieval**

**Part II: Itachi**

" YAY! SUNA!" cheered Kabuto as they reached the desert village.

" All right, let's find Itachi." said Orochi as he got out of the car.

" I'll stay here." said Kisame, sweating, " This is no place for a shark."

" Fine. But where's Sasuke?" asked Orochi.

" ITACHI!!!!" Sasuke was already running through the center of the village, looking for his brother.

" Lord Kazekage!" yelled a guard to Gaara, " A lunatic is running through the streets with lighning in his hands!"

" Is he emo?" asked the Kazekage.

" How did you know?" asked the guard.

" ( sigh), Sasuke." Gaara got out of his chair and his sand followed him out the door.

Suddenly, Sasuke was face to face with his one time rival, Gaara of the Desert.

" Get out of here, Uchiha." said Gaara, turning his sand into fists, " Or I'll make you leave."

" Have you seen a guy with long hair and lots of eyebags?" asked Sasuke hastily.

" No."

" AW MAN!"

Then, Orochimaru and Kabuto appeared, huffing and puffing.

" Gee, Uchiha, slow down." panted Orochi, " We could barely catch up."

" But Gaara, have you heard of Itachi Uchiha?" asked Sasuke.

" No, but I have heard of some guy named Ichati Hachiu." said Gaara, pondering in his thoughts.

" What does he look like?" asked Sasuke, getting impatient.

" I don't know. He has a hockey mask over his face and he owns a lot of Icha Icha books."

" Bingo."

Gaara gave them directions and soon, they were outside of... Burger King?

" I'm going to get some chicken fries!" said Kabuto, pulling out his wallet.

" I'll have the Whopper." said Orochi.

" And I'll have the Jr. Whopp- WAIT A MINUTE!" yelle Sasuke, " Why are we outside BURGER KING?"

They then heard the familiar voice.

" That'll be $20.95."

" ITACHI!!!!!!!!!!!" Sasuke charged up another Chidori and ran through the door.

" Brother?" Itachi was at the register, wearing a Burger King outfit and had an " Ichati Hachiu" nametag.

" ITACHI!" Orochi went in and hugged the employee.

" Micheal Jackson?" Itachi asked as he got out his dagger.

" No, Orochimaru, remember?"

" Even worse." Itachi stabbed the snake man in the back, blood seeping out.

He then fell to the ground, dead.

" NOOOOOO!!!!!!" cried Kabuto over the dead Micheal Jackson of all animes.

" I think I have a Phoenix Down with me." said Sasuke, looking in his pocket, " Got it!"

You have used Phoenix Down on Micheal Jackson

" OROCHIMARU!" corrected Kabuto.

Same thing

Orochi Jackson has rejoined your party

" Yay!" Orochi got up and handed Itachi a uniform.

" I won't come back." said Itachi, " I'm getting a raise and I have a 6-month lease on the new sand castle I bought."

" Then I guess I'll have to kill you." said Sasuke sinisterly, pulling out his blade.

" Fine." said Itachi, throwing on the cloak.

" Come on, Kisame's waiting in the OrochiMobile." called Orochi.

" Don't you mean the JacksonMobile?" mumbled Itachi.

" SHUT UP!"

AT THE JACKSONMOBILE

" I'm sizzling." said Kisame as he stood in the back seat.

Suddenly, he saw Sasori walking with Gaara to McDonald's.

" SASORI?"

" FISH BREATH?"

" GAARA!"

Kisame stumbled out of the car to meet the puppet man.

" Why are you walking with the kid that almost killed Leader?" asked Kisame, glaring at Gaara.

" He won't leave me alone." whispered Sasori to Kisame, " He thinks I'm his father."

Then, Kisame burst into laughter and couldn't stop for five hours.

" I'm sorry, but what'd you say?"

" Dad, why is the overgrown fish man talking?" asked Gaara.

" Leave me alone kid!" yelled Sasori, " I've been trying to tell you for the past 2 and a half years, I'M NOT YO DADDY!"

" Okay." Gaara turned around and walked towards the tower.

" That was weird." said Kisame, " Now get in the car."

" Why should I?" asked Sasori.

" Oh WEIRD KID!" called Kisame, " DADA CHANGED HIS MIND!"

" DADDY!" Gaara ran at full speed towards Sasori, arms outstretched.

" FINE THEN! START THE CAR!"

" WAIT!"

Orochi, Sasuke, Itachi, and Kabuto were running towards the car as fast as possible.

" We'll never make it." panted Kabuto, falling to the ground.

" Oh yes we will." reassured Orochi, " A THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!"

He sent Itachi flying towards the car, landing on the sunroof. Orochi then tied a rope around Sasuke's neck.

" FETCH BOY!" yelled Orochi, pointing towards Itachi.

" RUFF RUFF!" Orochimaru and Kabuto were dragged on the sand and whipped into the back seat just before they drove off.

The JacksonMobile drove towards Transylvania to retrieve their fourth member.

" HEY!" yelled Orochi, " I'M NOT MICHEAL JACKSON! Now someone very young and beautiful comes towards me."

Everybody then scooched away from the snake man.

**To Be Continued...**


	4. Halloween: A real Pain in the Butt

**The Akatsuki Stories II:**

_**Akatsuki Reborn**_

Disclaimer: This chapter is dedicated to Halloween. And if this chapter gets 100 hits by November, I will give everybody a bag full of candy!

**Dedication Chapter**

**The Pain (in the butt) Who Stole Halloween**

There once was a village named Konoha. This village was ruled by the fifth Hokage, a sucker for gambling and a very old lady...

" HEY!"

Konoha was a peaceful place and was peaceful all year round. Except for Mondays. Everybody there hates Mondays. Anyway, there was also one other day that people hated most. It was Halloween. They used to LOVE Halloween though. They'd dress up and beg people for free poisoned candy. But this year, they rued it, like the creepy old man on the hill. Did I tell you about him?

His name was Pein Grinch, the most hated, paranoid, slimy, sneaky, ugly, evil- in other words, he's not nice.

_How everybody despised him, causing havoc in the streets. _

_They also hated him when he took a long time buying his low-fat meats. _

_So on Halloween night, he said to his apprentice, " Today is a day of havUC."_

_That was the night that the Konoha village had just run out of luck._

_Grinch had planned his scheme, literal and precise. _

_Tonight was the night Konoha, would soon pay the price._

_The two drove off of the hill, preparing themselves for the night._

_Because soon, before twilight, Halloween would no longer, be in sight..._

" Pein, why do we have to ruin Halloween when we could just wait till Christmas?" asked Konan in the front seat, " I like Halloween."

" Well, TOO BAD FOR YOU!" yelled Pein at his apprentice, " Halloween is the night of bad memories, and the only way to get rid of bad memories, is to-"

" Put a lifetime supply of metal on our faces, because that worked SO WELL last time." interrupted Konan.

" Well, THIS TIME, " began Pein, " is GENIUS!"

" Whatever."

When they finally reached the decorated gate of Konoha, they were stopped by a guard.

" HALT!" he screamed.

" Whatever." Pein slapped a bomb on his back and by the time he was inside.

BANG!

" Now, let's set up."

Pein unzipped the giant bag and got out the most despised thing of all...

" Videos of the white Micheal Jackson doing Thriller!"

Konan shuddered at the thought about hundreds of people watching Jackson trick those poor, innocent, virgin children.

They put the tapes in the VCRs of everyone's VCR and glued the tape door and plug shut. Also, they did a jutsu that made it so the TV and VCR couldn't be broken. Then, they rigged it so it played every Halloween at 8:00 and didn't stop till 6:00 in the morning. Finally, THEY LOCKED EVERYBODY'S DOORS SHUT.

After doing this to every house and the giant screen on the Hokage tower, they settled down.

" Now," said Pein, " in 30 minutes, everybody will face the horror of Micheal Jackson!"

BUT, three kids overheard their plot.

" Micheal Jackson?" wondered one kid, who had blonde hair and whiskers.

" Sounds like the Grinch to me." said the other, who was an Uchiha.

" FROSTING!" yelled the third, who had absolutley no signifignance in the series whatsoever.

The three were 4 year olds Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha, and Whats-her-face.

" I can't believe everybody in the village will see Jackson after his 57th plastic surgery!" said Naruto, chibi tears flowing down his cheeks.

" I thought it was his 45th surgery." wondered Sasuke.

"50th!" yelled Whats-her-face.

" Sakura's right. It WAS his 50th!" realized Naruto.

" Now can we think about how we're going to stop everybody from becoming paralyzed by fear and insanity?" asked Sasuke who got out a map, " Here's what we do."

" Where'd you get the map?" asked Naruto.

" Starbucks."

After formulating a plan, the three got in position. Tonight, they were going to save the world from the horrors of... the Thriller.

**To Be Continued...**


	5. Halloween: Horrors of the Thriller

**The Akatsuki Stories II:**

_**Akatsuki Reborn**_

Disclaimer: No vampires were harmed inh the making of this chapter. Except for Cousin Drake.

**Halloween Chapter Part II**

**The Thriller, Remixed**

_As the two hurried into the dark_

_The Trick-Or-Treaters went out to play_

_But when they tried to get out_

_They let a shout_

_Micheal Jackson, he's doing the Thriller!_

" BWAH HA HA HA HAAAA!!" screamed Pein at the top of his lungs.

" YOU PEDO!"

" OW!"

Blue wacked Pein on the back of the head with her VCR.

" How could you torture those poor innocent children?" she cried out.

" Oh, I'm not done yet." said Pein sinisterly, " I have ANOTHER tape!"

" Please don't let it be Wizard of the Wizard of Oz Massacare." hoped Blue.

" I hated that movie." whispered Naruto from the dark balcony of the Hokage faces.

" Are you kidding? I LOVED that movie!" cheered Sasuke, " Didn't you see the part when Scarecrow ate off the crow's head ALIVE?"

" DON'T REMIND ME!" yelled Whats-her-face.

" Anyway, remind ME how this plan will work!" asked Naruto.

" Of course!" said Sasuke, " But I'm not using flashback, it's too expensive."

Naruto punched Sasuke on the head till he gave up and put it on flashback.

HD FLASHBACK

_Sasuke got out the blueprints for his latest Anti-Jackson plot ever._

_" Okay, if this is going to work, I need two cans of Dr. Pepper and Red Bull, as much steel coat hangers as possible, and my MCR CD."_

_" Why do you need a CD?" asked Naruto._

_" Ever since my parents were slaughtered, I have grown a taste for emo music."_

_Naruto and whats-her-face sweatdropped._

_" Anyway, LETS GET MOVING PEOPLE!"_

_They got the stuff and they talked about the Wizard ofThe Wizard Of Ozs Masssacare._

END FLASHBACK

" $ 35.99 FOR A 3 MINUTE FLASHBACK!?" yelled Sasuke, " THIS WAS A RIP OFF!"

" But it WAS in HD!" said Naruto.

" Whatever. Let's just build my Anti-Micheal Jackson device already!"

" What ARE you going to build, Sasuke?"

" (sigh), goggle me."

Naruto snapped a pair of goggles on Sasuke's head.

GOGGLE VISION

First, I'll take the Dr. Pepper cans and Red Bull and empty them. Then, I will use the coat hangers to build a Jackson-sized robot. He will look exactly like him, BUT, he will go on a rampage and destroy all Micheal Jackson related items in the village! It's brilliant, Brilliant, BRILLIANT!

END

" Soooo, WHY did you need soda if you aren't going to use it on the robot?" asked Naruto.

" Well, I'll be thirsty during construction, DUH!"

Sasuke was about to build his monster when Pein said something.

" The items in this bag are..."

He pulled out the most feared thing in the universe...

" (gasp), OROCHIMARU DOING THE THRILLER!?" screamed Konan, landing dead on the floor.

" YES!" yelled Pein, " I am going to beam the tape into the original Micheal Jackson tape, so MICHEAL JACKSON AND OROCHI ARE DOING THRILLER!!!!!!!!!"

" NOT THIS TIME!"

Pein turned around to see Sasuke on the balcony.

" WATCH THIS!" He pressed a button on his Micheal-JackBot and it dropped to the ground, going for the tapes.

" KONAN! STOP HIM!" yelled Pein.

" No way, Jose." replied Blue, filing her nails.

" WAAAH!" It was too late. Pedo-Bot had melted the tapes into one, and he threw them on top of-SQUASH!- Grinch.

" GOODBYE, STRAIGHT WORLD!" he yelled, dead.

" HOORAY!" cheered the three heroes.

But it wasn't over. The citizens of Konoha were already dying, if the weak hadn't.

" JACKSON-BOT! CRUSH THE VCRS!" yelled Naruto to the robot.

" No problem." said the Micheal-Bot, " I shall sacrifice myself with all the other Jackson-related items in the world."

" Even Orochimaru?" asked Sasuke, a non-emo look in his eyes for once.

" No." answered the Thriller Killer, " He is too Micheal Jackson like. Goodbye."

He ripped open a vortex and stole a cube-like thing with lots of symbols on it.

TRANSFORMERS WORLD

" Sam!" yelled Optimus Prime, dying, " push the All Spark into my chest, so I can kill Megatron!"

" kay." Sam held out the All Spark, but it was gone!

" AW MAN!"

Megatron got out his laser shooter and... let's just say the Decepticons won.

NARUTO WORLD

" Goodbye, cruel world!" yelled the robot, pushing the All Spark in his chest.

**BOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!**

Naruto and Sasuke woke up to see that nothing happened. But all that was left of Jacko-Pedo was a half-melted cube.

" We will never forget you, Anti-Jackson." said Sasuke to the stars.

" Now that we saved Halloween from Micheal Jackson, what do we do now?"

" CANDY!" screamed a pile of ashes on the ground.

" YAY!" The two ran into the streets, stealing candy from the bags of dead children who did not survive Micheal Jackson.

_At last, peace was among the village_

_So Naruto and Sasuke soon began their pillage_

_They stole from the dead children, truckloads of sweets._

_But no one will ever forget, when Jackson roamed the streets..._

**THE**

**END**

HEY! In case you're wondering about all the Micheal Jaxson related nicknames given to the robot in the story, we want YOU to post some for us! That's right! If we like what we see, then your nicknames will be in the next dedication chapter!

Any Micheal Jacksons out there will DIE a slow, PAINFUL death!


	6. Retrieval Part 3: Hidan

**The Akatsuki Stories II:**

_**Akatsuki Reborn**_

Disclaimer: Jack Skellington is Micheal Jackson after his 3,456,765th plastic surgery.

**Chapter VI**

**Retrieval**

**Part III: Hidan**

The OrochiMobile soon reached the outskirts of the Transylavanian castle where Hidan and Itachi crash-landed in the first fanfiction.

" SPOOKY!" whimpered Kabuto, jumping into Sasori's lap.

" Get off unless you want your manliness wooden. LIKE MINE." said Sasori.

" EEP!" this made Kabuto accidently leap through the window, falling into the deep ravine.

" That was anticlimatic." said Itachi, reading the first Icha Icha book made by both Kakashi and Jiraiya, " What happened to brother, anyway?"

" He's in the trunk." said Orochimaru who parked the JacksonMobile on the moat, " See?"

He unlocked the trunk and-POW!- Sasuke stabbed Orochi right through the heart.

" I'M FREE!" he yelled at the top of his emo lungs.

" Whatever. Just bring the pedo back to life." said Sasori, " And why did he park on the MOAT?"

" PULL IT UP!" yelled one of the castle's henchmen.

" Uh oh."

The OrochiMobile's tires were rubber, so they stuck to the moat till it was all the way up. Then, the car dropped from 50 feet in the air into the water.

" WE'RE DOOMED!" yelled Sasuke, choking Itachi.

" I'LL SAVE US!" yelled Kisame who sliced through the roof with his sword.

They swam through the hole but then they met SHARKS!

" KISAME!!!" yelled Itachi at the top of his blind emo lungs.

" I'll save us AGAIN!" yelled the shark man, approaching his cousins.

After a few minutes of muttering, Kisame returned.

" Bad luck guys, these guys speak Atlantic!" yelled Kisame, " I'm Pacific!"

" And I'M a Pacifist!" yelled Sasori.

" I'm a Gemini." said Itachi.

" I'm a Leo. AND PROUD OF IT!" yelled Sasuke.

But they were too late. CHOMP! The first shark ate... MY NEW XBOX 360!? THAT'S IT! YOU'RE OUT OF THE STORY! Um... the sharks were... mysteriously killed by.. Batman!

" WE'RE SAVED!" yelled the four, " THANK YOU BATMAN!"

" Just remember to never go in a pedo's car." said the dark knight, " Unless you're planning to kill him."

He then flew into the sky, right into the path of a duck. SQUACK! The duck made him fall with it into the blades of a helicopter. ZING! Then the helicopter flew into a volcano and roasted bat and fried duck fell on Sasori's head. BOP!

" FOOD!" Kisame ate the fried duck while it was still on Sasori's head, sooo.

CHOMP!

"YOU IDIOT!" yelled Sasori's head in Kisame's stomach.

The body then took out two guns that said-

" DON'T!" Dante appeared and threatened to slice off my head if I took away his guns while he was fighting Arkham.

Um... The body then took out to guns named.. uh... Fred and Harold? Anyway, he shot him.

" Let's just find a way to get inside." said Itachi, studying the wall for a moment, " Mangeyko Sharingan!!"

He burned a hole into the castle, whre he saw... HIDAN AND COUSIN DRAKE!?

" Guys?" asked Hidan, who was stabbed by Cousin Drake as he stabbed him, too.

" Emo?" asked Kisame.

" Jashin dummy?" asked Sasori.

" Bloody?" asked Itachi.

" PANCAKES!" yelled Sasuke.

The three original Akatsuki ran and stabbed Hidan in the heart.

" THANKS GUYS!" thanked Hidan, " You're my best (beep)in friends!"

" AW!!" said Sasuke, " That's so emo-like! But what happened to Kabuto and Orochi?"

KABUTO

Kabuto had landed into quicksand, which cushioned his fall and spit him on top of Orochi, his healing hand landing on his wound, bringing him back to life.

" WE LIVE!" yelled the two, who then ran to Sasuke and danced around him.

" I hate my life." said the emo, slitting himself.

" Why are you guys back?" asked Hidan, " I inherited Cousin Drake's fortune because he's going to star on a new show on Nickelodeon, " Drake & Jashin". I consider it an honor being on a TV show with the awesome Jashin!"

" BLOD BLOO DEE!" yelled Drake. ( For the last time, it's JOSH! Not JASHIN!)

" Well, let's get going!" said Itachi, tugging on the Jashin worshipper's sleeve.

" No." said Hidan, " I'm going to catch the pilot of it tomorrow in San Diego!"

" Okay, how bout this?" asked Sasori, " You get dropped off in San Diego tomorrow and WE pick you up?"

After a few minutes of dying, Hidan gave them his answer.

" Will I have to wear a shirt?" he asked.

" No."

" OF COURSE YES!"

They took Hidan into the car when suddenly, Orochi remembered something.

" OMG! I FORGOT! TODAY'S KAROKE NIGHT AT THE LAIR!"

OROCHIMARU'S LAIR

_**Sakkun's Front Head:**__C'mon Hai-Hai, we goin to the beach  
Grab a couple of toys and let da-da strap you in the car seat  
__**Back Head:**__Oh where's mama? She's takin a little nap in the trunk  
Oh that smell (whew!) da-da musta runned over a skunk  
__**Front Head:**__Now I know what you're thinkin - it's kind of late to go swimmin  
But you know your mama, she's one of those type of women-_

" Where's Orochimaru?" sighed Tayuya, who was dying by the sound of Sakkun's back head now beatboxing.

" He's not late!" reassured Jirobo, " He's just...eh...picking up all 10 of the original Akatsuki so HE can becom an Akatsuki. Simple."

" Orochi always HAS been an idiot." said Kimmimaro, who ended the song by throwing a shasrp bone at the karoke machine.

" HEY!" yelled Sakkun's front, I was in a ery intiment moment!"

" With who, yourself?" said Tayuya sarcastically.

" Hm. I never thought of that." said the back head.

" Uh oh." said the four Sound nin as they watched what happened before them.

TRANSYLAVANIA

" WHOOO!!! RETIREMENT HOME, HERE WE COME!" yelledas they drove towards " Our Senior Members Have All Gone Bonkers" retirement home...

**THE**

**END**


	7. Retrieval Part 4: Kakuzu

**The Akatsuki Stories II:**

_**Akatsuki Reborn**_

Disclaimer: Elmo has a brother that slits himself with Elmo's baby teeth.

**Chapter VII**

**Retrieval**

**Part IV: Kakuzu**

After driving for two hours, the JacksonMobile was outside " Our Seniors Have All Gone Bonkers" retirement home.

" Old OSHAGB!" said Orochi, taking a deep breath, " This place brings back old memories!

OROCHI'S MEMORIES

Orochimaru was rolling through the halls in his new wheelchair when suddenly, the Third Hokage appeared in front of him.

" Hi, Sarutobi-sensei!" yelled Orochi, waving.

" Drop dead, creep." said Sarutobi as he passed by.

" I miss you, too!" waved Orochi, saying goodbye.

But Sarutobi appeared again, holding... A RIFLE!?

" Is that for me!?" asked Orochi, flattered.

" Yes."

BANG!

Sarutobi walked by Orochi's dead body, unaware his spirit already took over a nurse before dying.

END

" Ahh. Good times." said Orochi, " Good times."

Itachi, Sasori, Kisame, Kabuto, Hidan, and Sasuke sweatdropped as they piled out of the crowded vehicle.

" Let's just get MoneyBags and get out." said Itachi, " Retirement homes creep me out."

" They've creeped him out ever since we visited Grandpa Uchiha and a nurse thought he was Grandma Uchiha." whispered Sasuke to Kabuto, snickering.

Kabuto laughed, whispering to Kisame, who whispered to Sasori, who whispered to Hidan, who whispered to Orochi, who whispered to-

AAH!

Itachi snapped Orochi's neck, causing his 3rd death in the story.

" NEW RECORD!" cheered Orochi, dropping dead again.

" NOT AGAIN!!" Kabuto leaned down and casted Curaga.

Not enough MP to revive Micheal Jackson of Animes 

" NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Kabuto sobbed near the dead snake man, only to be shot in the head by Sasori.

" Sorry, " he said, " but that guy just keeps on annoying me!"

" Let's just go." said Itachi, entering the door.

" Wait a minute." said Sasuke, " If Orochi's REALLY dead this time, I CAN KILL ITACHI!"

" Uh oh." Itachi sprinted through the halls of the retirement home until he reached the door of " Mr. GreedyOldGuy the Third".

" WAAAH!!!!!" Itachi raced around the room, circling the " old man" in the wheelchair.

" Get out!" yelled Mr. Greedy, " Can't you read the sign!?"

Itachi read the sign, which said " Mute".

" This room is a giant TV remote?" asked Itachi dumbly, " Where's the Channel Up button?"

He searched the room, until he got his head stuck in a bedpan. BTW, it wasn't used, Itachi fangirls. Stay calm.

" DE BUTTON!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, " DEY AW ATTACKING GOVENA SHWARZENAGER!"

He ran around the room until Sasuke eventually found him.

" YOU!" he yelled, the Chidori in his arm growing, " TIME TO END THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL!! By the way, who's the old guy?"

Mr. Greedy turned his wheel chair in front of Sasuke.

" I am..." he began, " ... you're FATHER!"

" NOOO!!" screamed Sasuke, " IT CAN'T BE!!!! I'M MELTING!!! MELTING!!!!!!!

He melted into the floor, a bunch of munchkins appearing.

" Ding dong, the emo's dead, the- GAAH!"

Hidan had appeared, so he slayed the munchkins.

" That felt GOOOOD." said Hidan, " You know what? I should kill munchkins more often!"

Kisame and Sasori appeared behind them.

" Man, when there's blood in the air, Hidan moves faster than my cousins!" yelled Kisame.

" Quit talking, Kisame, I still haven't gotten hold of the fact you're a talking fish." said Sasori.

" YAY LIFE!" Kabuto appeared behind them, tire tracks on him.

" What happened?" asked Itachi, who finally found the Channel Up button, which was a bulletin board.

" Okay, but I'm not going to use that fancy HD flashback. Let's just stick with REGULAR flashback, kay?" said Kabuto, starting his flashback.

FLASHBACK

Sasori was standing over Kabuto, holding out a Phoenix Down.

" If I pour it, then he'll come back to life and bring that snake Jackson guy back to life too. Soo don't pour. YES! NO! MAYBE! RED SOX! RULE! ROCKIES! SUCK!"

" SASORI! WE NEED TO FOLLOW HIDAN!" screamed Kisame behind Sasori.

" AAH! Kisame!" yelled Sasori, " Don't sneak up on me! I'm not used to the fact you talk yet."

So Sasori dropped the vile of Phoenix Down liquid and it seeped up into Kabuto's mouth.

" BLEH!" he yelled waking up, " Cherry flavor? I HATE cherry!"

So he got a grape lollipop inside and skipped off to find the Akatsuki.

END

" So, why's Sasuke dead?" asked Kabuto.

" Kakuzu said he was his father." said Itachi plainly.

" Uh, WHO'S THIS KAKUZU?" asked "Mr. Greedy", " But he must be a beautiful young bachelor who is very rich and fa-"

" Drop the act, Greedy." said Hidan, " and take off the Darth Vader mask!"

" So you found out, eh?" asked Kakuzu, getting out of the wheelchair, " Well, YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

He hoppped out the window, meeting his doom.

" Does he know his room is on the ground floor?" asked Kisame.

" NOO!" screamed Kakuzu from in the field, " DANDELIONS! ALLERGIES! REACTING! YANKEES! RULE! DODGERS! SUCK!"

He then bloated and turned the size of an airplane.

" Well, let's go, Mr. Greedy!" Shizune entered in a nurse's outfit carrying a sponge, " I'm so glad I got this job as a nur- WHA da heck izzat?"

" First of all, weakling, you speak EXTREMELY bad street!"said Itachi, " And this, is a poptart when you cook it too long."

" And THIS!" said Sasuke, drawing his sword, " Is a pop tart when you touch it."

POP!

He poked Hidan with his blade, making him fly in the air until he finally slammed into the back seat of the MichealJacksonMobile through the new sunroof.

" You guys have a DVD player?" asked Kakuzu when the Akatsuki finally got to the car.

" I stole it from a dying British orphan who oly had 6 months to live." bragged Orochi

" Sweet."

So they got in the car to drive of, but

DING!

Hundreds of senbon pinned against the side of the car.

" NO SENIOR LEAVES UNTIL THEY DIE!" yelled Shizune, who fired the needles.

" Um... CHOKE!" Kakuzuripped out one of his hearts and pretended to drop dead.

" OKAY! YOU CAN LEAVE!"

The OrochiMobile then drove to their next destination. Anybody have any ideas for the next place? I'm cramming!

**R&R! **

**To Be Continued **


	8. Retrieval Part 5: Tobi Vorhees?

**The Akatsuki Stories:**

_**Akatsuki Reborn**_

Disclaimer: Micheal Jackson is taking a dirt nap, so please, victims, come out of hiding. He's dead.

**Chapter VII**

**Retrieval **

**Part V: Tobi Vorhees?**

" Micheal Jackson?"

" Yeah, Itachi?"

" WHY ARE WE PARKED IN FRONT OF AN ASYLUM!?"

" Maybe they want to throw Orochi into the loony bin, brother."

" Yeah, you're right, Sasuke."

" SHAT AP OR I'LL POINT THIS LASER CANNON IN YOUR SKULL!!"

" Someone has anger issues."

" Be quiet Itachi! Lord Orochimaru has better things to do than kill you!"

" Kiss-up."

" Old man."

" Four-eyes."

" Blind man!"

" Grey hair!"

" Drug addict!"

Itachi and Kabuto growled and got into a fight, the rest of the Akatsuki and Sasuke getting caught in it.

"STOP! I CAN'T SEE!" yelled Orochi, who had smoke in his eyes after Sasuke used the fireball jutsu.

The car then tipped onto its side, crashing to the ground.

" THAT'S IT! VERY COOL THRILLER JUTSU!"

POOF!

" WHAT THE--!?"

Everybody was then caught in... A THRILLER MUSIC VIDEO!?

" I liked the Final Fantasy VII version of this better." said Sasuke.

" That's because you're a game freak." said Itachi, smirking.

" Snake Freak has gone too far." said Sasori, " VERY COOL THRILLER JUTSU RELEASE!"

POOF!

They were back in the parking lot of the asylum with the broken car.

" NO!" yelled Orochi, " I spent 30 years of my life on this car! WHY!?"

" Um, you're the Micheal Jackson of all ani-"

" SHUT UP EMO! THAT JOKES GETTING OLD!" yelled Kabuto at Sasuke's face.

" But, why are we here in the first place?" asked Hidan, who had accidently sliced the engine and oil tank in half, causing the car to explode at the end of the Retrieval chapters, but didn't want to admit it.

" We're here to get a rather... annoying member of the Akatsuki." said Orochi.

" Is it Morgan Freeman?" asked Itachi.

" Paris Hilton?"

" George Bush?"

" Barbie?"

" NO! IT'S TOBI!"

" Oh!" said the Akatsuki and others.

" So let's get him already. I'm getting tired of being called the Micheal Jackson of a-"

ZING!

Orochimaru had stood in the path of a lawnmower truck thing, which was being droven by... NEJI?

" I'M FREE!" he yelled, going at only 10 miles per hour.

" Put your hands up!" said the owner of the asylum, " Nobody leaves without eating a high-fat sloppy joe from the toilet with your hands behind your back!"

" NEVER!"

So the lawnmower was shot down and exploded, causing Neji to fly into the air and go into the path of a-

ZING!

- helicopter's blades which mysteriously had blood on them...

" Well, that was anticlimatic." said the owner, " Now, back to Oprah."

The Akatsuki all went inside the asylum, holding their noses to the smell of a toilet bomb. And trust me, no explosive of any kind was used for this. Only..eh.. natural ingredients.

" Aah. Here we go!" said Orochi, " Room 081!"

" Is this going to be like that movie where we die because this room has relation to Flight 180?" asked Kisame, shivering.

" No! That was in Thriller!" Kabuto cheered.

They opened the door and saw a freak of nature sitting in a corner with a rubber chicken.

" Eh, Tobi?" asked Sasori.

He turned him around to see the face of Obito Uchiha. AKA, Tobi.

" Da govanment took my legs!" said Obi-Tobi, waving his chicken around, " SHHH!!!! I hear the sheep! They're break-dancing!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

" Oh, Mr. Uchiha!" said Shizune, a nurse at the asylum, " you have a visitor!"

" GO AWAY, SHAMA-LAMMA!" yelled Obi-Tobi, I am communicating with the other side of the burrito!"

He pointed to a rotting burrito in the corner.

" Isn't that the bean burrito they served at lunchtime 2 1/2 years ago?" asked the girl who never had her name said right.

" SO BE IT!" Obi-Tobi pressed a remote control button and Shizune was flung into the air.

" WAAAAHH!!!!!!!!"

She landed in the blades of a helicopter.

ZING!

And landed on the lawn, where a runaway monster truck crushed her flat. SQUISH! And a giant peach ran over her. KA-SQUISH!

" Now who goes next!?" Obi-Tobi drew a machete and put on a hockey mask.

" MORGAN FREEMAN!" cried Kisame, who had been sliced in half at the machete's super-sonic speed.

"RUN!!" The group ran from Obi-Tobi Vorhees, when he got hit by a bullet. WHOOSH! Actually, OROCHI got hit.

" NOO!" he yelled, " CALL 911! THE ARMY! THE BOY SCOUTS!"

" YAY! JACKSON'S DEAD!" Sasuke turned chibi and danced around Orochi's body like a-

" MUNCHKIN!" Hidan sliced through Sasuke, dead.

" NOOOO!!!!" Kabuto cried on Orochi's dead body, and Itachi stabbed him in the back of the head.

" Loser." he said.

" I told you we'd die if we went in that room!" yelled Kisame, his bottom part running and his upper part hopping on the sword's tip.

" Stop right there!"

BANG!

Obi-Tobi fell to the ground, dead. The shooter's identity was... OPRAH WINFREY!?

" Woah!" said Sasori, " You're Oprah!"

" Yeah." she said, " I'm from the future about 15 chapters from now. The guy I just shot was going to assasinate me then take my job!"

" But, Mrs. Winfrey?" asked Itachi.

" Yes?"  
" How come you shot him with a piece of MOZZARELLA?"

" An idiot only dies when he's shot through the heart with a piece of cheese. I wanted to use parmesan, but he deserved better."

Oprah then walked through a time vortex and dissapeared.

" Weird." said Kakuzu, " Well, TO THE NEW AKATSUKIMOBILE!"

They all ran to the Honda, leaving the dead bodies there. After leaving for Konoha College, however, Tsunade found their bodies...

**To Be Continued...**

**READ THIS!**

Sorry I haven't updated this story in a while! I was busy with my Gaia. Huh? DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT? Then paste THIS link into the URL and experience Gaia TODAY!

Gaia: 


	9. Retrieval Part 6: DIAREEAHMITE!

**The Akatsuki Stories II:**

_**Akatsuki Reborn**_

Disclaimer: Tobi, Uchiha, Kabu, and Orochi aren't really DEAD yet...

**Chapter IX**

**Retrieval**

**Part VI: DIAREAHMITE!**

The AkatsukiMobile parked in the lot of Konoha College, where the living of Deidara ...something. I'm just trying to talk fancy, OK?

" Looks like this is the place." said Kakuzu, noticing a $1,000,000 dollar bill on the ground, " MONEY!"

" KAKU, NO!" But it was too late. The bill was fake, and the greedy member got tangled in the net of a young man, who dragged him into the building.

" HELP!" he yelled, " CALL THE POLICE! THE ARMY! THE IRS!"

" We must rescue him!" yelled Hidan, "He's paying for In-n-Out!"

So the Akatsuki followed the student into the college, chanting, " IN-N-OUT! IN-N-OUT!"

" That's what, hambuurgeerss, all about!" cheered Kisame.  
Soon, they were all outside" Mr. D's" classroom. The man dropped Kakuzu on the floor in the front of the room.

" All right, class," said the proffeser, " What can you tell about this specimen?"

" He's greedy!"

" He smells!"

" He's constipated?"

" Idiots." said Kakuzu, struggling with the knots, " Wait a minute. DEIDARA?"

The proffesor looked down at Kakuzu, revealing the face of none other than, DEIDARA.

" Hey, moneybags!" he said to greedy, kicking him onto a certain blonde, purple-wearing girl's desk.

" PERV!" she smacked hi across the face and he slammed head-first into the blackboard.

"Okay class!" said Dei, " We will be practicing the ratios of an explosion! Allow me to demonstrate."

He wrote a chart on Kakuzu's left butt cheek.

" If I used 20 grams of explosive C1, with my ex-hand-mouths, how big would the explosion be? Yes, Pinky?"

" It depends how much of a douchebag the target is!" said Sakura, who had no character depth than anybody else in the story, except for Tenten.

" Exactly!" Deidara wrote another diagram on Kakuzu's right butt cheek, " So if my target was Tobi Uchiha, the explosion would be massive!"

" Hey, wait a minute!" said Sasori, " You're mouth-hands are gone!"

" Why, thanks for noticing Sasori!" said Dei, blushing, " I got regular hands at the organ shop down in the Beyond section at " Bed, Bath, and Beyond"!"

" Ms. Dei has a boyfriend!" said the class.

" You mean, the class thinks you're a GIRL?" asked Kaku, his left butt cheek jiggling as he spoke.

" SHUT UP!" He reached for his clay bag and rammed it up...well...

" Itachi, look!" said Kisame, "Kaku's about to have explosive diareeah!"

" AAAAH!!!!" screamed the class.

Smoke erupted from Kakuzu's butt. Sparks flew and hit Sakura in the eye. It glowed red-hot and farted fire to the desks, burning them and half the class. But, it suddenly pooped out a block of brown dynamite on Deidara's desk.

" IT'S GONNA BLOW!" Sakura jumped out of the classroom, forgetting they were on the 12th floor. So she got speared by a bullet. BANG! Fell in an electric eel vat. SHOCK! And got eaten by a shark. CHOMP!

" Hi, Cousin Jaws!" yelled Kisame from the window.  
" Somebody get that diareeha off my desk, un!" yelled Deidara.

" But it's all sticky and smelly!" whined Hidan, " I can chop it!"

But just before he could bring down his scythe, Itachi threw him out the window.

" REMEMBER THE ALAMOOOOO!!!" he yelled as he fell into a taxi cab, " Driver, TO THE BLOOD BANK!"

" I'll do it." said Itachi, " IF, you promise to join us."

" No." said Dei, " I'm making $250 a day on this new job!"

" $250? DANG!" Kaku pooped out some more slimy diareeha onto the back wall, giving Tsunade's picture a mustache.

" OK! OK, UN!"

Itachi threw the poop out the window and it landed in the training area.

" EBISU-SENSEI!" yelled Konohamaru, Udon, and Moegi as the poop splattered onto their sensei's head.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!

" YAY! cheered Deidara, " I got rid of the poop!"

" Uh, Dei?" asked Sasori.

" Yes, Sasori-kun?" asked Dei.

Sasori pointed to the splattered poop on the wall that was bubbling.

" EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!" Sasori, Dei, Itachi, and Kisame jumped into the AkatsukiMobile just before the explosion.

SQUEEEEEEEEAK! BOOOM! FART!

" WE MADE IT, UN!" yelled Deidara.

" But didn't we forget something?" asked Kisame as they drove off to get lunch at In-n-Out.

Back on the 5th floor, the new top floor of the college, there was a piece of Akatsuki cloak with a diogram and chart written on it in chalk...

**To Be Continued...**


	10. Retrieval Part &: InnOut

**The Akatsuki Stories II:**

_**Akatsuki Reborn**_

Disclaimer: No frozen beef patties were harmed in the making of this chapter.

**Chapter X**

**Retrieval**

**Part VIII: Double-Double or Single?**

" So, what are you guys doing traveling the world in Micheal Jackson's Honda?" asked Deidara.

" Well, Orochi told us that he was going to restart Akatsuki so he could become a member." said Hidan.

" But then, he was killed by someone, Sasuke got sliced in half by a certain IMMORTAL, and Kabu was stabbed by Itachi." Kisame was talking very fast as he explained.

" But what are we going to do without a nurse!?" yelled Dei, shaking Sasori rapidly.

" I think Konan had some medical training." said Itachi.

" How do YOU know!?" yelled Dei in Itachi's ear, still panicking.

" I WILL tell you." said Itachi, " And because I feel emo right now, I will use HD flashback.":

HD FLASHBA-

" WAIT, UN!" yelled Dei, " Where's the popcorn? I can't watch flashbacks without popcorn."

Itachi smacked his head hard, " Great, you made me forget what I was remembering!"

" How is that even possible?" asked Kisame, who had eaten all the popcorn when he rejoined, but didn't want to tell Dei.

" It works like this." said Sasori, " As long as beautiful people exist, people can remember things." He pointed to a picture of...himself.

Everyone sweatdropped.

" BUT." he continued, " If UGLY people exist, people forget things."

He pointed to Kisame.

" THAT'S IT!" yelled the fish man, " I CAN'T TAKE BEING UGLY ANYMORE! Maybe if I go to heaven, I'll be pretty!"

" NO, FISHBREATH!" But it was too late, Kisame had jumped out of the moving vehicle into the path of an 18-wheeler- SPLAT!- california rolls flew everywhere.

" SUSHI, UN!" Deidara put the sushi in a paper bag to save them for the next time there was a flashback.

" Wait a minute." said Sasori, " The author said we were in a moving vehicle!

" Uh oh." The whole time, Hidan had forgotten to take his foot off the gas pedal!

CRASH!

The car flattened itself to the building, and all the four remaining members of Akatsuki flew into a line.

" WAIT A MINUTE." said Hidan, " We're at In-n-Out!"

" That's what, hambuurgers, are all about!" sang a chorus out of the intercom.

" That's weird." said Sasori, " If I said Pinnochio, would a tiny puppet come and sing only to be eaten alive by termites? PINNOCHIO!"

The puppet came, but before it could even start singing, it was eaten alive by termites.

" Sweet." said Itachi.

" May I take you order, sir?"said the cashier.

" Yes, I'd like a Double-Double with no cheese, and a medium Coke." said Itachi.

" Sorry, sir, but we only have Pepsi here."

" WHAAAAAATTT!!!!????" screamed Itachi, " YOU WILL SHOW ME THE BEVERAGE OF THE COCA-COLA BRAND, OR I SHALL CRUSH YOUR PUNY INSIGNIFICANT BRAIN!!!!"

" Sorry, sir," said the cashier dully, " But there is no growing 20 times your size and making a demonic order with lightning behind you unless you have a license for that."

" Oh, sorry." Itachi pulled out his wallet and showed his license.

" Then, scream away, sir."

" TINY INSIGNIFICANT HUMAN!!!!" screeched Itachi, " YOU WILL SHOW ME SODA OR I WILL BE FORCED TO TELL YOUR MOMMY!!"

" Sorry, sir, but my mom died from childbirth." said the cashier.

" Oh, I'm sorry." said Itachi, " I'll just take the Pepsi."

" Pein, one order of Double-Double, no cheese, and a medium Pepsi!"

" WHAAAT!?" screamed the Akatsuki.

They looked thgrough the window to see none other than their leader, flipping patties in the air and pouring sodas. BUT, the amazing thing was, HE HAD NO PEIRCINGS!

" Hey, guys!" Pein waved to his comrades.

" LEADER! LEADER!" They all crammed inside and started asking questions like, " Why did you leave!?" and " Do you remember were my left hand with the mouth on it is, un?"

" QUIET! QUIET!" screamed Pein.

They all were silent.

" Now, I know what you're thinking." he said, " You want to have jobs here with me!"

" WHAAAAAAATT!!??

**To Be Continued...**


	11. Retrieval Part 8: Burgers & Iced Tea

**The Akatsuki Stories II:**

_**Akatsuki Reborn**_

Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto's death will occur simontaneously with the death of Micheal Jackson.

**Chapter XI**

**Retrieval**

**Part IX:** **Burgers and Iced Tea**

" WHAAAAT!!!???"screamed the Akatsuki at the top of their lungs.

" We had to sacrifice a lot bring you back!" said Sasori.

" And Kisame, Kakuzu, and Tobi DIED from trying to reform Akatsuki, un!" added Dei, " And now, you want us to be FRY COOKS!?"

" Oh no!" said Pein, " That's Spongebob's job! You'll be cashiers, floor moppers, part of the RIS resistant, that kind of stuff."

" Spongebob's here?" asked Itachi, sweatdropping.

" Yeah!" Pein pointed to a yellow sponge flipping patties.

Everyone sweatdropped.

" So, will you join?" asked Pein, putting on the best chibi face he could think of.

BONK!

But Hidan threw his head at Pein, knocking him out.

" Sorry, Leader, " he said, " but I have other plans. TO SAN FRANCISCO!"

He hopped in a patty-shaped car and drove to California.

" NO!!!" yelled Spongebob, " Not the patty wagon!"

He threw his spatula at Hidan's head, causing it to whirl into the food processor- ZING!- and the death of an immortal.

" HE'S A MADMAN!" yelled Itachi, " A MADMAN!"

" Now only SIX Akatsuki members remain, yeah!" said Dei, " BUT, we'll all slowly die one by one!"

" AAAAHH!!!!!" Itachi, Sasori, and Deidara ran around, screaming.

" Oh well." said Pein, " Better get back to work."

Then, the manager came.

" Pein, I've just been informed Rick's mom died when he was born." he said.

" But he's 45 now." explained Pein, " His mom died 45 YEARS ago."

" But I never got a chance to say I was sorry his mom died." said the manager, " Even the blind emo said he was sorry! So you're going to fill his station while he goes home."

" Do I get payed overtime?"

" No."

" Can I play with the Wii in the lounge at my break then?"

" Fine."

" YAY!!!!!!!!" He ran to the register, " In-n-Out. May I take your order?"

" Yeah, I'll have a Double-Double and a single for my business partner, Kabuto."

" OROCHIMARU?" Pein looked up and saw none other than the snake man, all bandaged up.

" Yep." he said, " Now, I don't have any money, so could you, uh, sneak out some burgers, eh? Eh? EEEEEH?" He was elbowing him so much, he eventually elbowed him in the face.

" OW! That's it!" said Pein, " I'm taking a break. Guys, could you fill in- HUH?"

Sasori was banging the dishes with aspoon, Deidara had a leftover bag of clay in his cloak, so he made a jug and was blowing into it. Itachi, however, found a guitar and was IN A PIRARE SUIT!?

_**Itachi**:__They say a man should always dress for the job he wants_

_So why am I dressed just like a pirate at this resturaunt_

_It's all because some traitor_

_Won't rejoin our team_

_Now I stay here every evening serving burgers and iced tea_

_Should have gone to CENSORED_

_**Deidara:** ( Yeehaw!)_

_**Sasori:**I could've seen this coming at me like an atom bnomb_

_They monitor your credit and send you e-mail alerts_

_So you don't end up selling beef to tourists in T-shirts_

They finished, and Pein was sweatdropping.

" I know." said Itachi, " It stinks, but it'll sound better in the recording studio at Ninja Star Records."

" Yeah!" said Dei, " We started a band called, " Destiny's Child"!"

" There's already a band named " Destiny's Child"" explained Pein.

" Then we'll call it " Sharingan Clay Puppeteers"!" yelled Deidara.

" Yeah!" cheered Sasori. They high-fived and mooned the fry cook.

" SO LONG LOSERS!" They went in the Akatsuki-Mobile and saw none other than Sasuke, Kabuto, and OROCHI!

**To Be Continued...**


	12. Subliminal Messages

**Akatsuki Stor-**

**Subliminal Messages**

**Brought to you by the makers of " The Ring of Kunai" and " Pinnochio II: The Bloody Beggining."**

**Subliminal Message I:**

**From: Naruto Uzumaki and Minato**

**How Ramen Feeds the Mind and Body**

Naruto: Hello, and welcome to Subliminal Message Number 1: Why Ramen Feeds the Mind and Body!

Minato: And I'm going to show you how you can make cool art and crafts!(pulls out construction paper, a sock, and a rusty chainsaw)

Naruto: Um, Dad?

Minato: Yes, fishcake?

Naruto: We're doing Ramen, NOT rusty chainsaws! That's in the next chapter! Anyway, ramen is a dish of Japanese noodles with vegetables, lobstrr, mustard...

TWO HOURS LATER

Naruto:...Mayo, Spahgetti, Metaballs, Boots..

Minato: OKAY!( Sticks Naruto with chainsaw) That's it for subliminal message 1! Back to you, Chicken Butt Fan!

Sasuke: It's Sasuke.

Minato: No, it's chicken butt fan! See, it's on your name tag thing!

Chicken Butt Fan: No it is- WHA!? I'M COMING AFTER YOU MASASHI!!!!( Steals rusty chainsaw and runs awy)

**Subliminal Message 2:**

**From: Kakashi and Jiraiya**

**Why Icha-Icha Books 1-6,009,345,786 Are Bomb**

Kakashi: Alright now, let's get to the point here. Jiraiya?

Jiraiya: READ A GOOD BOOK!

Kakshi: Right! But remember, the more orange the book, the better it is!

( Both do thumbs up)

Minato: That's it?

Kakashi: Yep.

Gaara: What about MY message to the readers!?

Temari: Yeah! Now give me one of those books! ( Snatchs Volume 365) Pure poetry.

( Everyone except Temari sweatdrops)

**Subliminal Message 3:**

**From: The Sand Sibs**

**Why Gaara Needs Friends**

Gaara: What the-!?

Temari: This is for your own good Gaara!

Kankuro: Yeah! You're 15 and you still play with dolls!

Gaara: Mr. CuddleKins is not a doll! He's a plaything!

Temari: Mr. Cuddlekins? What happened to Mrs. YoMamma?

Gaara: She got in a fight with Ms.YoDada.

Kankuro: Anyway, readers, especially the girl ones, Gaara doesn't need friends. He needs someone to LOVE. Why do you think he got thet tatoo on his forehead? Why do you think he's been playing with his Wa-Wa for 11 YEARS!? SOMEONE JUST LOVE MY BROTHER, KAY!? HE GOES ON MY LAPTOP EVERYDAY AND FILLS IT WITH EMO STUFF LIKE MCR AND FOO FIGHTERS AND BARNEY!!!

Temari: So sign up on this sheet of paper and join Gaara's Playpen today!

Gaara: What's a Playboy?

Kankuro:(blushing) It's...uh... like a human Mrs.YoMama, only naughtier!

Temari: Kankuro!( whack)

Kankuro: OW!

Gaara: Then what's a CENSORED?

Kankuro: It's a special wrestling move used on girls. OW!!

Temari: Well, that ends the Subliminal Messages saga! For now.

Minato: And remember, this segment was created because Shippu is too lazy to make a new chapter!

Jiraiya: WHOOO!! CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED I'm gonna CENSORED that CENSORED until she's all CENSORED up!

Everyone: MY EARS! MY VIRGIN EARS!

**END**


	13. Retrieval Finale: Easy Buttons Attack!

**The Akatsuki Stories II:**

_**Akatsuki Reborn**_

Disclaimer:Any references to the easy button are all true.

**Chapter XI**

**Retrieval**

**Finale: Easy Buttons Attack!**

" KABU!?"

" LITTLE BRO!?"

" SNAKE MAN, UN!?"

" YEP!" yelled Orochi, " I was brought back to life by Tsunade as long as I promise not to destroy the village!"

" But Lord Orochimaru," said Kabuto, " You crossed your fingers behind your back."

" That's the point of being evil!" said Orochi, " Breaking promises! Right, Sasuke?"

" Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna kill brother now."

He drew out his sword and poked Itachi in the neck.

" Oh snap." He bolted out the door as the crazed 15-year old boy chased him, shooting ligthning from his sword.

" Can you tell us how you came back?" asked Sasori.

" In flashback, un?" added Deidara.

" Fine then." said Orochi, " But I lost my debit card, so I'm using Kabu's."

FLASHBACK

Orochi, Sasuke, and Kabuto were in a big bloody pile when Tsunade came by.

" Shizune, you forgot to clean up the hallways!" she yelled, not drunk for once.

" I'm kind of busy!" yelled back Shizune, who was fighting back a pack of zombie easy buttons.

" That was eeeeeaasyyyyyyy.." chanted the buttons, " THAT WAS EEEEEAASYYYYYYY."

Tsunade sighed, " Well, since I'm too lazy to sweep them up, including my fear of blood, I guess I'm going to have to bring them back to life.

you have used Mega Phoenix Down on Chicken Butt Fan, Gray Hair Dude, and Micheal Jackson

The three suddenly rose up and all their shot wounds, slashes, and stab wounds were healed. They also got half their health back each:

Chicken Butt Fan: HP: 1450/2900 MP: 40/40

Grey Hair Dude: HP: 450/900 MP: 10000/15987

Micheal Jackson( Form 1): HP: 5000/10000 MP: 0/245

END FLASHBACK

" Did you like it?" asked Orochi, turning off the TV and taking the things off his head.

" Yeah, un!" said Dei," And those sushi rolls I kept tasted WAY better then popcorn!"

" Don't hog them all!" yelled Sasori, pulling back the bucket of Kisame sushi rolls.

" Hey guys!" yelled Kabuto, " There's a giant easy button blocking the road! Should we kill it?"

" Yeah, un." Dei took out his clay and stuffed it in his chest mouth," What, you guys thought I'd remove Chestie?"

BATTLE BEGIN

Deidara: HP:1000/2000 MP: 300/300

Easy Button: HP: 10000/10000 MP: 0/0

Deidara used CS2

Easy Button dodges attack and activates

Deidara loses 10000 HP

Deidara: HP:-9000/2000

Deidara loses

BATTLE END

" NOOOO, YEAHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Deidara fell to the ground, dead.

" It's happening again!" screamed Itachi, " MOMIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

He ran out of the car and flew into a Staples van.

" KONAN!!??" It was true.

In the driver's seat was none other than one of the few survivors, Konan!

"Hey, crazy blind dude."

" Konan!!??" Itachi was still surprised to see her driving a Staples van, because he didn't read the last chapter of the previous story.

" Yeah, I know this looks weird." sahe said, " But I can explain in flashback!"

" YAY! FLASHBACK!" Out of the back of the van popped out none other than Pein! And he had his peircings back!

" I told you to stay in the back with the other 5 of you!" yelled Konan, angry.

" Actually, it's only 5 of us now." said one Pein, who had long hair, " Jiraiya-san killed the Pein that looked like the blond dude who always says un."

" It doesn't matter!" said Konan," All we have to do is collect the dead body of Tobi Uchiha, and we shall rule the world!"

Konan and all the other 5 Peins started laughing.

" Paper-obssesed origami woman say wha?" asked Itachi.

" Watch yo language, boy!" The Pein that had a big jaw popped out and ripped out some of the stuffing in the seat.

Konan sighed, " I guess I'll just start the flashback and this sentence uninterupp-"

CRASH!

The van slammed into a Staples store.

" We're here!" cheered the Pein that had very spiky hair.

" Itachi-san, welcome to Akatsuki HQ Mark 2!"

**THE**

**END**

Not really though! Looks like the Retrieval chapters are done! But if you payed close attention to the Kakuzu Retrieval chapter, you'd be expecting a big boom! Like this!:

" ITACHIIIII!!!!" screamed Sasuke as the car sped up.

" Sit down, kid!" said Kabu," we're supposed to retrieve Zetsu from Demonic Plants Inc.!"

" No way!" Sasuke jumped out the car window and ran into the great beyond.

And just in time!

BAD-A-BING, BA-DA BOOOOM!!!!

At least Sasori cheated that gypsy woman! And Micheal Jackson is finally dead! Too bad for Kabu, though. Well, please exit the web page in an orderly fashion... NOW!


	14. Christmas: The Idea

**Akatsuki Stories II:**

_**Akatsuki Reborn**_

Disclaimer: They're eating chicken, not turkey!SPOILER!

**Christmas Special**

**Christmas Carolers**

**Part I: The Idea**

It was Decmber 1st, and Team Kakashi was training in the cold training area.

" Jingle bells, Sasuke-teme smells, Pervy Sage laid an egg!"

You can guess who this is.

" WHAAA!!! I MISS SASUKE!"

You can guess who THIS is!

" And Rudolph said to Santa,' Sorry, Santa, I'm having a baby.'"

You could also guess who THIS is! But can you guess who this is!?

" (burps)"

HUH!? Anyway, it was December 1st, and Team Kakashi was training in the training area. But then, the Hokage came.

" All right, listen up, rouge Eskinos!"

Looks like she had a little too much eggnog on the way over.

FLASHBACK

Tsunade was at Ichiraku's chugging a keg full of eggnog. Her 13th one.

" Lady Tsunade, shouldn't you be hurrying over to tell Team Kakashi about the 'thing'?" asked Sizune.

" Not yet, Santa!" yelled the Hokage, " I still have 12 more kegs to go before I have enough eggnog to survive the Apocalypse!"

" What Apocalypse?"

Tsunade sighed," The Christmas Caroling Missions."

END FLASHBACK

Team Kakashi stopped what they were doing and looked at the drunk Hokage.

" You guys know Christmas is in 25 days, right?" slurred out Tsunade.

" Are you all right, Hokage-sama?" asked Kakashi, " You look like Grandma after she got run over by that reindeer."

" I'M ALL RIGHT!!!"

Team Kakashi suddenly shrank at the tone of her voice.

" I'll get to the point. I did a poll in the village and it shows that 67 of the village enjoys listening to Christmas carols."

" So, baa-chan?"

" So, they're each paying $5 a day, $1 a carol, and $25 for the subscription for carolers!"

" HUH?" By this time, they were all puzzled.

" It MEANS you guys are my new Christmas carolers!"

" WHAT!!!???"

" But, Lady Tsunade, we can't sing!" yelled Sakura, turning chibi frantic.

" Of course you can!" yelled Tsunade," All you need is strength, trust, and pixie dust! But I don't have any pixie dust so I'll just throw this powder grinded from the bones of the 2nd Hokage onto you."

She began sprinkling white powder on them, causing them to choke and gag.

" Now go out there and make me some money!"

DAY 1

" Man, this stinks!" shouted Naruto, " We have to get up at 7am every day and sing some dum song to somebody!"

" It's not so bad." reassured Sakura," I think that bone dust is working! I'll try the first house and you collect the money."

She went up and knocked the door. It was Shikamaru.

" What do you want?" he asked.

Sakura then sang the first song on the list:

_Jingle bells, jingle bells_

_jingle all the way_

SLAM!

Shikamaru slammed the door in Sakura's face.

" So, where's the cash?" asked Naruto.

" I stunk."

" Maybe you ought to spice things up! Like this!"

Naruto ran and banged through the door.

" What the ?" said Shika as the music started:

_Jingle bells_

_Yo mamma smells_

_And yo dadda laid an egg!_

Seven more Narutos popped up, playing different instruments to a jazzy, Yultide beat.

_And oh, what fun_

_To stop the dubs_

_put on us in the USA_

_Hey!_

" That does sound fun." mumbled Shikamaru, " But I'm not giving you any money for this stupid carol!"

But the beat changed to a more sensitive one

_Silent night_

_Bloody night_

_All is wrong_

_All's not right_

_Round yon ninja_

_Jo- and chunin_

_They're fighting for peace_

_For only $6 a pop_

Shika's eyes began to water. He pushed Naruto out the door and shoved $6 in the jar.

" That's for my auntie!" he sobbed out through the door.

" Piece of cake, Sakura-chan!" Naruto crinkled the money in his hands until it was taken away by Shizune.

" Nice work, Naruto!" she said, " How about you take the rest of the day off?"

" No way, Jose!" he yelled, " This is starting to get fun!"

**To Be Continued...**


	15. I Apoligize, Blabbity Blabbity Blah!

**ASII:**_**AR**_

Disclaimer( Done by Itachi): Shippuden247 is very sorry about making a Christmas special he didn't finish. Also, I just wanted to say, hi mommy.

**Not A Real Chapter**

**I Apologize**

Naruto: Shippuden247, AKA, Shippu, apoligizes for discontinuing the Christmas Chapters.  
Sakura: So instead, there will be a special one-chapter Christmas Special!

Sasuke: Any injuries, burns, or scars for life are experienced during the chapter, Shippu cannot be held responsible.

**What Time is It? ( Christmas Time)**

_**Konoha 12:**__ What time is it?"_

_Christmas Time_

_It's our vacation_

_What time is it?_

_Party Time_

_School's Out_

_Say it Loud_

_What time is it?_

_The time of our lives_

_Anticipation_

_What time is it?_

_Christmas time_

_School's out_

_Scream and shout!_

_**Pein: **__Finally, Christmas is here_

_Good to be chilling out_

_I'm off the clock_

_The pressure's out_

_Celebrating what it's all about_

_  
__**Konan:**__ Ready for some winter fun_

_It's time to take a chance_

_I'm here to stay_

_Not going away_

_Time for a Christmas romance_

_**Pein & Konan: **__Everybody's ready_

_Goin crazy_

_Yeah we're out_

_Come on and let me hear you say it now_

_Right now_

_**Akatsuki: **__What time is it?_

_Christmas Time_

_It's our vacation_

_What time is it?_

_Party Time_

_School's Out_

_Say it Loud!_

_What time is it?_

_The time of our lives_

_Anticipation_

_What time is it?_

_Christmas time_

_School's out_

_Scream and shout!_

_**Hinata:**__ We've got no rules_

_We're out of school_

_We're free to shop till we drop_

_**Neji: **__It's an education vacation_

_**Neji & Hinata: **__And the party never has to stop_

_**Hinata: **__We've got things to do_

_So see you soon_

_**Neji: **__We're really gonna miss you all_

_**Hinata: **__I'll see you and you_

_**Neji: **__And you and you_

_**Neji & Hinata: **__Goodbye until next year_

_Everybody's ready _

_Going crazy_

_Yeah we're out_

_Come on and let me hear you say it now_

_Right now_

_**Sound Five, Orochi, and Kabu: **__What time is it?_

_Christmas Time_

_It's our vacation_

_What time is it?_

_Party Time_

_School's Out_

_Say it Loud!_

_What time is it?_

_The time of our lives_

_Anticipation_

_What time is it?_

_Christmas time_

_School's out_

_Scream and shout!_

_**Team Kakashi: **__No more waking up at 6am_

_**Teams Asuma & Kurenai: **__Cause now our time is all our own_

_**Team Gai: **__Everybody's waiting come on let's_

_**All Teams: **__Go out of control!_

_**Team Kakashi: **__All right_

_**Team Asuma: **__Everybody_

_**Team Gai: **__Yeah_

_**Team Kurenai: **__Come on_

_**Akatsuki & Konoha 12: **__Christmas cheer_

_Let's show it_

_The time is now_

_We know it_

_Deck the Halls_

_Jingle Bells_

_Merry Christmas to you all_

_When Christmas has passed_

_We'll come back_

_But for now we won't think of that_

_Let's live it up_

_Party down_

_That's what Christmas is all about!_

_**All Boys: **__What time is it?_

_**All Girls: **__Christmas time is finally here!_

_**All Boys: **__Let's celebrate_

_**All Girls: **__We want to here you loud and clear now!_

_**All Boys: **__School's out!_

_**All Girls: **__We can sleep as late as we want to!_

_**All Boys: **__It's party time!_

_**All Girls: **__Now we can do whatever we wanna do!_

_**Evil Villians: **__What time is it?_

_**Good Guys: **__It's Christmas time!_

_**Evil Villains:**__ It's party time_

_**Good Guys: **__Come on and say okay now!_

_**Evil Villains: **__Let's go and have_

_**Good Guys & Evil Villains: **__The time of our lives!_

Shippu: Now THAT. Was a song! I hate it, though. I hate the movie even more! And by the way, this song was typed, not copied and pasted, but typed by the very author! Secondly, this event has NOTHING to do with the Christmas parade! HSM knows NOTHING! Vote for Pedro!

Neji: I'm Mr. Lonely, I've got nobody, I'm alooooone!

**Mewwy Cwistmas and a Happy New Year!**


	16. End of an Era

**ASII:**_**AR**_

Disclaimer( Done by Madara Uchiha): It takes a tough man to eat at Taco Bell. It takes a tougher man to take one to the face!

**Chapter Unknown**

**End of an Era**

" So, what do you think?" asked Konan," I first worked here at this very building MANY minutes ago..."

FLASHBACK

Konan was working the paper shredder in the Paper Room at Staples when suddenly-

BAM!

The copier came to life! It leaped up and copied Konan's butt.

" What, you thought I was going to get shredded by the paper shredder, like people in the forums always PICTURE HAPPEN TO ME!!!??" screamed Konan.

She turned into a bunch of pieces of paper and destroyed the copier. Suddenly, Jiraiya, the new manager, came into the room.

" What's up, sexy lady?" he asked, a sly look on his face.

" You perv!" yelled Konan, " You rigged that copier to come to life and photocopy my ass!"

" No I didn't!" said Jiraiya," It takes pictures!"

" It doesn't matter." whispered Konan," You're gonna die in 10 days."

" Why not seven, like the Ring?"

" Because I want to stay cool."

END FLASHBACK

" That didn't make sense." said Itachi.

" Do you have any pictures from the copier, Konan?" asked long hair Pein.

" I want some too!" yelled In-n-Out Pein.

" Me three!" yelled Big Jaw Pein.

" Me four!" yelled Very Spiky Hair Pein.

" Me fat!" yelled Fat Pein.

" Pervs." muttered Konan, " Well, let's get inside."

They all went inside and saw hundreds of customers!

" Sorry." said Konan, " There's a sale on toner today."

Itachi sweatdropped and made a customer slip and break his shoulder blades.

" Um, sir?" a guy named Bob came over," Read the sign."

Itachi looked and saw a sign that said " NO SWEATDROPPING".

So instead, Itachi made a question mark.

" Stop wasting time, Itachi!" said Konan," the lair is behind the shelf of " How To Draw Sakura" books."

So, they went forward to uncover the most horrifying lair ever...

**THE**

**END**


	17. Continuation

**ASII:**_**AR**_

Disclaimer: It's not my fault I want to start a new story, gosh!

**Last Chapter**

**Continuation**

_And so, Itachi prepared to enter the Fututsuka's( Konan's gang's name) lair. But during the last chapter, Sasuke was on a hunt after Itachi, teaming up with Toki and Ti ( Akatsuki trainees, learn about them in Part IV!) to bring down his brother. The Konoha 12 were looking for Sasuke, too! So they hunted him, and encounter new enemies!_

**Itachi's Continuation**

Sorry! It's a surprise!

**Sasuke's Continuation**

Sasuke was walking down a forest road, searching for his brother, along with Toki, and Ti, his new assistants.

" Sasuke-sensei, can we rest now?" asked Toki," I'm tired!"

" Shut up." said Ti," We need to find Itachi so we can kill him.

You see, Toki and Ti were different people. Toki was like Naruto, and Ti, Sasuke. But they're brothers! More about this in next story.

**Naruto's Continuation**

The Konoha 12 were leaping through the trees, looking for their Emo.

" Forget it, Naruto, it's hopeless." said Shika.

" No!" yelled Naruto, " We'll search if it takes all day! All week! All-"

" I found him!" yelled Sakura, " He's the guy with the two little kids! They're pretty cute, you know!"

" Get over your hormones and let's go!" yelled Neji, wearing a skirt, " IT'S A GOWN!"

" Sure it is!" said everyone sarcastically.

" Konoha 12, go!"

_Power Rangers, Go!_

_So that's what's going on right now: Itachi joins a new group, Sasuke is found, and Shippu starts a new Story! Stay tuned for __**The Akatsuki Stories III: Fututsuka!**_

**THE END**


End file.
